Some of the most deflating moments I've experienced in social situations are when people have told me I was being quiet. There I was, thinking I was doing fine with everyone, but nope, they actually saw me in an entirely different way.

    When you think about it, it's not the end of the world to be called quiet. It's not like people think you're a horrible person, just that they wished you showed what your personality was about and contributed to the conversation more. You could also be at peace with the fact that you're not a huge talker. Finally, among good friends, it's fine to sit back at times.

    Still, sometimes you want to make a good impression with everyone and seem like you're interested in the rest of the group. Especially when you've just met some new people, it's usually better to lean towards the outgoing end of the scale. Getting that 'quiet' label often works against those plans. Here are some simple strategies I came up with that help me be less quiet and come up with things to say:

    Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often

    When you don't speak up and chime into the conversation enough, you may be seen as quiet. One thing that works for me is to make an explicit rule in my head that I have to say something at least every few minutes, preferably more. If not, I know people may perceive me as quiet. It seems basic, but when I spell it out to myself like this, it forces me to continually try to add new points to the discussion. Before realizing this, I'd hang back and listen to everyone, and take everything in, but sometimes go ten minutes or more without uttering a word. Or I'd get lost in my head and get distracted by my own thoughts and daydreams. You can't do that. You have to talk more often than it feels like you do. Consciously knowing this helps you do it.

    When you're new to a group of people who all know each other, this rule especially applies. The onus is often on you to get yourself into their conversation. They may all be comfortable with each other, and benignly neglect to actively include you.

    Elaborate on the things you have to say

    If it's your turn to talk, instead of saying "Fine" or "Good" or "Yeah", flesh out your answer. Give your opinion. Go into detail about you did on the weekend. Say more about the TV show you just mentioned. Without rambling on, try to stretch out your turn to speak. Sometimes when I catch myself not knowing what to say, I'll realize I can just go into more detail about the material I already put out there. If you really want to get fancy, see how entertaining or intriguing you can make your expanded statements.

    Don't filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say

    Often when I feel like I can't think of anything to say, there are actually lots of potential conversation topics passing through my mind. But instead of going with them, I nix them for one reason or another; "No, I can't say that. It's too boring.", "No, that's too out of the blue.", "Oh, I'm kind of nervous saying that, though I couldn't tell you why." Instead of censoring yourself too much, just spit out some of the ideas passing through your mind.

    Don't fret too much about saying generic things

    I've read a lot of advice telling me not to bore people with cliched, unoriginal conversation topics. This has sunk in so much that sometimes I'll find myself paralyzed in social situations. I'll meet someone new and not say anything to them because I think it's a huge faux pas to ask them something uninspired, like where they work.

    Just say this stuff anyways. Something is better than nothing. Often, dull questions like, "What do you do for fun?", or "Seen any good movies lately?" get the ball rolling. Soon enough you're talking about something more interesting. They can be a necessary evil, a reliable, if tiresome, fallback. When people ask me questions I've heard to answer a million times before, I'm not always crazy about it, but don't hold it against them either. Ideally you can avoid boring topics, but if you can't think of anything else to say, then go with them as opposed to be quiet.

    Pay attention and keep up with the conversation going on around you

    Put this one under "Basic concepts I used to not always follow." It's always easier to come up with things to say when you really follow along with what everyone else is saying. It's much more likely that something relevant you can add will pop into your head. Before I was a lot more likely to zone out and disappear into my head. Conversations can also be a bit annoying to follow at times, like if everyone is talking at once, or if the environment is loud. Sometimes it feels easier to give up and not devote your full attention to it. I find it's usually worth the effort to keep engaged. It's also something you can get used to if you initially find it difficult.

    Learn the unwritten rules of loud, lively conversations

    I have an easier time holding my own in smaller, orderly groups. When you add more people to the mix, and everyone starts talking at once, I have a harder time putting in my two cents. A lot of people probably experience the same thing. If you haven't seen it already, I wrote another article about just this topic:

    Take the lead in the conversation if it's not going your way

    Often I'll be quiet because the people I'm with are discussing something where I have zero to add, usually because I know nothing about the topic. If that goes on too long, then I'm suddenly the quiet one. If the conversation isn't going your way, try to take the lead and switch it to an area where you'll naturally have more to talk about.

    More generally, if the other people are talking among themselves, and aren't making an effort in include you, you should take the initiative and try to work your way in there. There's no rule that says you politely have to wait for someone to directly address you and ask your opinion on something.

    Sometimes you just can't come up with something to say

    These tips continue to help me, but at times my mind draws a blank. When you can't think of something to say, it's often due to shyness and inhibition interfering with your ability to think freely, and reducing these feelings is easier said than done. You can't just logically reason anxious feelings away. Sometimes the shy feelings are temporary and you can ride them out. At other times you feel shy all night and that outing is a write off.

    The other usual explanation is when you honestly have nothing to contribute to the conversation （e.g., everyone is talking about old friends they have in common）, and it's not appropriate to try and suddenly change it. But here everyone should at least understand that you can't be expected to be too chatty. Try to say something though when the topic changes.

    If you do come off as quiet, do better next time

    It's not unusual for someone to be a little tongue-tied around a new group of people. If you do better next time, then people will often forget their first impression of you. They'll realize you aren't a snob after all, or that you aren't meek and boring, and that you're actually a pretty interesting person to have around.

    我經歷的一些備受打擊的時刻，是在某些社交情境中，別人對我說我怎么一直都這么沉悶。本來我待在那里，自我感覺和每個人都處得挺好�？墒牵�他們卻從一個完全不同的角度看待我。

    仔細想想，被當成"沉默的人"其實也不是世界末日。這不像人們認為你是可怕的人，這只是意味著他們希望你能主動展現你的個性，更多地參與討論。你也可以心平氣和地接受你并不健談這一事實。說到頭，在朋友當中靜靜聆聽有時也是很好的。

    然而，有時你想給他人留下好印象，或者想要表現你對團體中其他成員的興趣。尤其當你剛剛認識一些人時，通常是將天平傾向"外向"的一端更好。被貼上"沉悶"的標簽對此有害無益。而以下是我自個想出來的一些簡單的對策，它們幫助我不再沉默寡言，能夠想出可說的話來。

    提醒自己必須不時說些什么

    當你不大膽說話、積極參與到談話中，你就可能被看作是沉默的人。對我挺有效的一條是，在腦子里樹立一個明晰的條例，規(guī)定我必須至少每隔幾分鐘說幾句話，或者更多。如果沒做到，我明白人們就會覺得我沉悶。這看起來很初級，但當我親口對自己這樣說，就能迫使我自己不斷地嘗試為當前的討論加點料。在認識到這一點之前，我畏縮不前，傾聽每個人的高談闊論，接納他們所說的一切，有時連續(xù)十分鐘（甚至更久）一言不發(fā)�；蛘撸�我在自己的腦海里迷了路，被我自己的思緒和浮想攪得心神不寧。你不能那樣。你要更頻繁地開口，而不是在思緒翩翩中自我感覺良好。有意識地明確這一點能幫助你開口。

    當你走近彼此都已相識的一群人時，這條規(guī)律尤其適用。因為，參加他們談話的義務通常在你。他們可能相處融洽，互感親切而忘記了對方的存在，同時卻也忽視了你。

    詳細展開你要說的東西

    如果輪到你開口了，不是要你說"好"或"對"或"是的",給點有血有肉的答案。說說你的看法。詳述你上個周末的壯舉。詳細點說說你剛才提到的電視節(jié)目。不要東拉西扯，直截了當地抓住你的說話機會。有時當我發(fā)現自己不知道說什么好了，我意識到我可以再詳細說說剛才我已經說到過的素材。如果你真心想要來點新奇的，試試看你能把你擴展開的陳述表達得多么引人入勝。

    構思說話內容時，不要過度地自我審查

    通常情況下，當我覺得我實在想不出有什么可說，其實還是有很多潛在的話題從我腦海中穿過。但是，我并未開口，我出于這樣或那樣的原因把它們扼殺了，"不，我不能說這個。它太無聊了。""不行，那太聳人聽聞。","哦，說這個我會有點緊張，不知道是為什么。"這樣自我審查就太苛刻了，還是把你腦子里一閃而過的想法一吐為快吧。

    不必擔心自己的話語平淡無奇

    我曾經讀過很多建議，它們告訴我，不要拿味如雞肋，陳詞濫調的話題來讓人覺得無聊。這個說法滲入我內心之深，以至于有時我發(fā)現自己在社交場合形同癱瘓。我會新認識一些人，卻不打算和他們說點什么。因為我認為，如果我說了什么讓他們覺得毫無觸動的東西，就是巨大的失禮，例如，詢問他們在哪里工作。

    就在一般意義上說說這件事吧。有，總是聊勝于無。通常，愚蠢的問題，如"你喜歡做什么？",或"最近看過什么好電影？"就能引起話題。很快你們就會轉而談論一些更有趣的東西了。愚蠢的話題不好，卻又缺之不可，就算很無聊，也是一種穩(wěn)定可靠的后備方案。當人們問一個我已經答了一百萬次的問題，我未必不覺得要發(fā)瘋，但是我也不會怪罪他們。在理想的情況下，你可以避免涉及無聊的話題，但是如果你想不出什么別的話來，那就用它們吧，以免冷場。

    留神并跟上你周圍的談話

    請將這一條放在"基本法則，但我并未時刻遵循"的名目下。當你把握了別人所說的每句話時，想出一些可以說的話通常就簡單多了。這時就仿佛有一些切題的話語在你的腦子里自動彈出。之前，我更傾向于走神，并最終迷失在我的腦海里。而跟上別人的談話有時也有點麻煩，如所有人同時在說話，或者環(huán)境聲太嘈雜。這時讓人覺得，與其投入充分的精力來注意它，放棄是更容易的。然而我發(fā)現始終跟上談話是值得的。這也是你能習慣的一點，就算你開始覺得很難。

    學習大聲地、有生氣地談話的不成文法則

    我在小規(guī)模、中規(guī)中矩的團體里更覺得自在。當更多的人加入進來，七嘴八舌地交談，我立刻就覺得難以插嘴。可能有很多人在經歷著同樣的事情。如果你還沒看過，我其實寫了篇專題討論這個話題的文章：怎樣在吵鬧，瘋狂的集體談話中做得更好。

    控制談話的方向，如果它偏離了你的軌道

    經常，我保持沉默是因為同處的人們正在討論我覺得無話可說的東西，這往往因為我對這個話題一無所知。如果這持續(xù)得太久了，我就突兀地成了沉悶的人。如果談話沒在你的軌道上，嘗試引導和切換到一個領域，你自然會有更多的話要說。

    更一般地，如果其他人在彼此說話，卻不打算把你包括在內的時候，你應該采取主動，努力把自己放進去。并沒有規(guī)定說，你必須禮貌地等待，直到有人來點你的名問你對某事的意見。

    有時，你就是無話可說了

    這些小貼士一直在幫助我，然而有時我的大腦仍舊會一片空白。當你無話可說，它往往是由于羞澀和壓抑感干擾了你自由地思考，而避免這些情感是說起來容易做起來難。你無法光靠邏輯思考來勸退焦慮的情緒。有時這種害羞的感覺是臨時的，你可以驅散他們。在其他時候，你羞澀無語通宵達旦，而集體郊游轉瞬即逝。

    其他常見的解釋是：你確確實實拿不出能為談話作出貢獻的東西（例如，大家伙在談論他們所共有的老朋友）,而這時試圖突然岔開話題又是不合適的�？墒窃谶@種情況下，每一個人至少都明白，不能期望你有太多話可說。所以，一旦話題變化，就試著說些什么吧。

    如果你被人看作沉默的人，下次做好些就行

    面對一群新認識的人顯得被綁住了舌頭，這樣的事并不少見。如果你下次做得更好些，那么人們通常會忘記對你的第一印象。他們會知道你不是一個勢利小人，你也不是索然無味之輩，事實上，身邊的你真的是很有趣的一個人。